Just recently I was in a discussion with a friend who asked me a very unusual question. That caused me to pull out the books, ask a few friends, and do some soul searching for the answer to her question. I've heard this question so often, I felt compelled to find an answer that would leave no further questions . Any man who knows a woman can contest to this question, being asked of him at least once in his life time. Usually the question will come up almost a mixed crowd of men and women in a conversation about relationships.
At sometime during the discussion I'm asked to explain the behavior of some man who's behavior defies all logic. "Can you tell me why a man would cheat with another woman who is not as established nor has achieved as much as his wife or girlfriend?"... I'm asked by some really troubled woman. Not having the time to go in to great detail when asked, I usually give a standard tongue-in-cheek answer, "Somebody has to be Captain Save-Hoe." While in this particular forum, I'm going to go into a little more detail as to how one becomes the hero and why.
First, let's come to a mutual understanding about men. I think we can all agree that most men have a competitive nature. It has been the experience of most men while growing up that competition was a way of connection. As young men, competition is a essential part of play among friends and family. There are competitions for just about everything. Various competitions for literally everything to measure superiority, who's the fastest, strongest, bravest, smartest and etc., As men can continue to be competitive among our peers, for status, control, and financial dominance. We even live vicariously through our businesses, our families, different sports teams and anything else we can take personal pride or claim as our own. A man's competitive nature can be so extreme it has been know to create riotous behavior at sporting events, and even create national controversy at the Olympic events. Yet, this continues drive to be dominate is considered healthy male bonding.
There's just one other point here i would like to introduce in regards to the changing nature of women. Over the past fifty-six years a growing number of women have been entering college, job market, becoming entrepreneur, and increasingly self sufficient. They have been very successful as professionals and paraprofessionals in the labor force, as well as marinating a nurturing, supportive spirit at home. A woman's skill to balance both roles has become essential to her ability make substantial accomplishments.
Take a self-sufficient professional women and a competitive egocentric man and you have the answer to the original question. Some men are so competitive, they can become threaten by an independent woman's increasing evidence of success. To compensate for his own feelings of inadequacy he will choose the company of another woman in which is status in the relationship is dominate. Usually this will be the company of a woman(or in some cases a man) with less achievement and has some level of immediate need. The sexual appeal of the other woman he chooses has little to do with his decision to cheat with her, and very often has more to do with his personal interest to satisfy his need to be dominate in his personal relationship. In most cases when comparing the women involved in an affair they will differ greatly either in appearance, age, achievement, IQ, employment or even race.
When asked the original question by a women, I often answer their question with a mound of support and challenge them to look within themselves for the solution to change their experience. After answering the question, I often ask them if they believed all men were like this or do they secretly have a propensity to choose highly competitive men. Nine times out of ten I find that I'm talking to a very independent woman who has an attraction to the extremely confident and competitive men. ironically these same men, who have cheated or had extramarital affairs will return to the strong independent woman after the cheating has lost its appeal.
Thus, there is no place in a relationship for competition or status and control. Just room for true open and honest communication between lovers to discuss their feelings of vulnerability and insecurities.